Yuffie, you’re still a fucking bitch. (contains spoilers if you’re 12 years behind the times)

Eat Tonberry, you cunt. So, to pass the time at work lately, I’ve been playing through Final Fantasy 7 again on an emulator.  It was the first time I’d played it since 1997-98, where I nearly flunked my senior year in high school due to being up all night playing this game.  The nostalgia has been pretty much overwhelming.  I loved everything about this game.  The story is unreal, the characters have exactly the right amount of story behind them to make you think of them as human (i.e. you care about their feelings, kinda.), the graphics were completely amazing at the time, and in some ways still are…. and its just stupid fun, sometimes.  I’ve just gotten to the legendary moment in gaming history where (spoiler) Aeris dies (/end spoiler – if you didn’t know that, you probably aren’t reading this blog, with very few exceptions) and again, felt myself remembering the feeling of the tears rolling down my cheeks as I helplessly wept back then, having not seen it coming.

There is one thing that I remember more than even that, however – and it was how much I hated Yuffie’s guts.  Thanks to blindly playing (read: playing without cheating by following walkthroughs) I stumbled into her motherfucking trap again.  There is a point in the game where this little vagabond whore up and ganks ALL of your Materia (basically, all your skills and magic) and bolts.  This leaves you in a situation similar to being in a room full of Navy SEALs who hate you while being armed only with your dick.  She does this to you in an area full of really aggrevating enemies who use that opportunity to beat your fucking face in.  The only way to get it all back is to chase her back to her village and force her to give it back. I found her in the fucking woods and accepted her as a comrade and possible fuckbuddy for Cloud, and this is the goddamn thanks I get?

Now, this is all delicious RPG-stuff and thus far, its forgivable.  However, as the story pans out (and you work for it), this becomes the synopsis of what happens:

1. She steals all your shit and leaves you to die horribly on the southern end of her continent.

2. After somehow surviving to make it to her village in the northern end of the continent, she’s hiding and you have to chase her dumb ass all over town.

3. To add insult to injury, she steals the one Materia you find inside the town right when you grab it, a total ‘in your face, bitches!’ moment for her.

4. Once you catch her, she tells her sob story about why she did it, then stabs you in the back again in order to get away again.

Ultimately, a third party arrives (this pussy-crazy fat pimp named Corneo) and up and kidnaps her before you can catch her and get your Materia back.  Which leads to

5. WTF, now I have to rescue this two-timing cunt?

6. Rescuing her involves fighting a nasty boss when I DON’T HAVE ANY FUCKING MATERIA?!  JUST ATTACK and ITEM AS MY OPTIONS?

7. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU- (you get the picture)

None of this is the worst part.  The worst part is, you save her, you get your shit back, and everybody including your character WELCOMES HER BACK TO THE GROUP.  I would have left her ass behind.  Then, THEN!  You help her beat up her friends and FATHER(!) for some neat additional items.  After all this, she’s again a beloved perky little member of your team.

I might be alone in thinking she deserves to be skinned alive and bathed in salt and lemon juice for this, but I don’t care.  Fuck this bitch.  I’m glad she gets fucked hard by tentacles and fat guys and worse in all the ero-games and rule 34 out there.  I especially love this picture of a Tonberry stabbing her in the cunt, because its no less than she deserves.

When I get back to the point in the game where there are Tonberries, I’m going to deliberately allow this to happen to her and attain a grim satisfaction thats long been overdue.  I had far more benevolent feelings towards scantily-clad 3D rendered teenage girls back when I was 17, and let it slide.  Now, its payback time.

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