I don’t like to brag, but I can be pretty funny. Most, if not all, of my humor has been derived from watching hours upon hours of comedy, sitcoms, cartoons, and anime. I geek out over it, right down to delivery and timing. All that said, I realize I’m not the most original jokester the planet has to offer – but I do alright.
I’ve gotten lucky a few times and delivered a line now and again that was room-killer level funny – in hindsight at least, to me – and since I’m bored and the sad part of Empire Strikes Back is on TV, I’ve decided to distract myself by listing some of the ones I can remember. Most of them will require background information, so be prepared to have to read the whole damn thing before you chuckle quietly to yourself. Sorry.
(Awkward sharing time) I’m out of shape, and I’ve gained a ton of weight this year, largely thanks to sitting in front of monitors 16 hours a day and guzzling soda as if doing so was the force that kept my wife from leaving me. As a result of this, my already embarrassing problem of excessive sweating around the armpits was made even worse, to the point where I’d taken to wearing a hooded sweatshirt over my work clothes daily even in summer to hide it. To make life even more fun, it seems to be 90 degrees Fahrenheit where we live with high humidity daily for 4 solid months.
After a very long day at work, in which I utterly failed to fix something I spent an hour working on, I had no choice but to stop and get some gas on the way home. While grumpily pumping gas, sweating like Nixon in the ridiculous heat in my hoodie, a bizarrely dressed, skanky looking woman in her 40’s easy saunters over near me from the store and exclaims the following:
“Why in the world are you wearin’ that sweater, boy?”
Without even looking up and completely deadpan, I replied:
“Same reason you got make-up on your face, I got something I need to cover up.”
The look on her stammering face as I calmly finished pumping gas and left the station; priceless.
Nobody shows up to work in my department before me; I arrive over an hour earlier than everybody else does, and hold the fort until regular business hours begin (this has changed since then). One of the people who is scheduled to show up next is our newbie, and someone we regularly give crap for no other reason aside from he deserves it, and he’s good humored about it. One week he was ridiculously late practically every day, badly disrupting the rest of our routines, especially those where a lot of things went wrong and kept us very busy. One of those days, after he arrived over an hour late, he came by my desk to apologize to me, because I’d kind of flipped out at him in text messages.
Newbie: “Hey man, I’m really sorry I’m so late today, I don’t know what happened.”
I was genuinely mad at him for being late. I’ll admit that. What I said came directly from the venting portion of my heart, stunning him into silence and making my cube-neighbors laugh their asses off.
Me: “You know, at first I was mad that were you were so late. Now I’m just dissappointed that you weren’t dead.”
At our helpdesk, one of our most frequent calls is for unlocking passwords for our hard disk encryption software. The process we do for this involves having the caller read us a 16-character code, and we give them a 17-character response code. Because many of our callers are using iPhones, they’re often somewhere that their signal sucks, and thus the call quality is garbage, forcing us to use phonetics to convey the code to them. A colleague is on one of these calls, and is reading a code back to a user…
Colleague on phone: “N as in Nancy, 2, D Delta, P Patrick, B as in boy…”
Like the mature and professional coworkers we are, myself and another coworker stand behind him whispering in an effort to screw him up…
Us: “N as in Nipples, Capital 2, D as in Dildo, P as in Poop, B as in Boobies…”