Helpdesk Rants: Translations

This is a translations list to assist new helpdesk agents in any tech-related call center.  They’re not literal translations, just safe assumptions to make based on years of experience.  *

“I never received that e-mail.”

= “I can’t be bothered to read my e-mail before mass deleting or archiving it.”

“It was working fine this morning.”

= “Please pretend with me that I was working this morning.”

“So-and-so uses the same thing and s/he isn’t having this problem.”

= “No matter what you just said, you’re lying – I waited until you said it was impossible because I’ve already done the research to find out what I’m asking for is possible, but didn’t bother to ask how.  You’re clearly out to trick me and get me in trouble with my job.”

“I don’t know what I did…”

= “I did something, but I’m unwilling to recall what I’ve done to aid you in your troubleshooting.”

“I really need this working, like, right now.”

= “I’ve known about the problem for hours but refused to call until it was 15 minutes too late.” OR “I was told to request this weeks ago, forgot, and now my boss is on my ass.”

“I forgot my password.”

= “I drink and do drugs to excess, thus causing me to forget something I use 10 times daily Monday through Friday.”

“I’m having the same problem I was having yesterday.”

= “I broke it again.”

“My computer got a virus, how is that possible?  Don’t we have safety measures?!”

= “I own a USB thumbdrive and two cameras that I cram indiscriminately into any USB orifice I can find, use Skype and Facebook on my company machine, let my kids use my computer, and click every link claiming to know where I can find hot singles and save me money on my car insurance; but it wasn’t me.”

“My computer is frozen.”

= “I have 77 windows open across 45 applications on my Windows XP box with 1GB of RAM, keep my computer under my desk next to the space heater, and own 7 cats.  It’s shedding season.”

“I think I need an upgrade.”

= “My colleague/cube neighbor has a newer computer/phone/device than I do, and that’s bullshit.”

“I know I just received more printer cartridges last week, but I think they’re defective.”

– “I’ve only made 4 copies of my recipes’ book, and there are 6 more people in my pottery class.”

“If this isn’t resolved quickly, well, we’re going to have a problem.”

= “If you can’t fix it, I will e-mail your supervisor, his supervisor, and the CEO of the company asking for your head in a two-page rant before I clock out, demonstrating my excellent grasp of how to use company time and my team player mentality.”

“One of the other guys there fixed this for me last time, can’t remember who.”

= “I have no faith in your abilities or knowledge, so please let me speak to the agent who taught me how to use Comic Sans font in Outlook two years ago; also, figure out who it was on the first guess.”

“I KNOW my password is right, but it won’t take it!  Why is this system so stupid?”

= Caps Lock/Num Lock

“You got this, don’tcha Chief?” (male)

= “I am a penis, and there are other penises in the room; it is imperative for them to believe in my girth and magnitude.”

“Uh huh, thank you so much! *click*” (female)

= “My phony gratitude will no doubt mask the 14 tabs of lolcats I have open during troubleshooting that the agent didn’t mention, and I’m finally glad to be able to get back to them; so much so I can’t be bothered to let them finish talking.”

(Completely incomprehensible thickly-accented broken English)

= “I would like to be transferred to another helpdesk.”

“Will my department be charged for this?”

= Often related to the ‘needing an upgrade’ translation – “Will my manager find out I asked for this?  Please say no, I’m not that good an employee and don’t really need this.”

“Can I just ask you a question?”

= “Have you used the restroom recently?  I hope so, because I’m going to keep you on the phone for hours.”

“Okay thanks!  Wait, there was one other thing I wanted to ask you…”

= “I’m not finished procrastinating, what else can I get fixed so that I don’t have to work until after lunch?  Oh, I know!”

“Wow, that fixed it!  Has it always worked like that?”

= regardless of how you interpret this, the answer is NOT “No, just since you called it started working that way like magic.”  That did not go over well at all.

*Disclaimer: If you work where I work, please remember this is a humor blog and not to be taken seriously.  Don’t go all HR on me over it.

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