This will be a post of events and thoughts which take place somewhere we all know better than we care to think about; the bathroom at work. A sad amount of these will be based on true stories. I do not intend to be overly graphic, but if bathroom humor offends, please skip to another blog.

BUSINESS UNDERWAY AT THE URINAL

*heard from behind* “Hey man, scoot over.”
*man steps up to the urinal beside me, makes a loud throat-clearing, preparing-to-spit noise, and dramatically leans forward to do so, and headbutts the chrome of the urinal flusher, and then howls in pain*
(Overheard) “Dude, wash your hands, you just pissed.” “Bite me bro, it’s not like I’m making you a sandwich.”
(Part 1 of 2) Someone came into the restroom while I was minding my business here. They stepped up to the urinal beside me, and immediately after hearing them unzip, I heard the man say in guttural tones, “By the Sons of Odin!” This, as you can imagine, came as a shock…. until I realized who it was, and it was someone who was part of a discussion about the movie Thor with me outside in the smoker’s area. Great mirth was had later.
(Part 2 of 2) Later the same day, business needed attending once more, and I revisited the restroom. As I unzipped, I muttered under my breath, ‘Release the Kraken!’ I thought I was alone in the restroom. The unrestrained laughter and farts which came from the stalls behind me informed me otherwise.

“Whoever switched out the normal toilet paper with the decent soft toilet paper is the definition of an anonymous hero.”
(Overheard) *violent sounds of location-appropriate horror from next stall over, followed by-* “Yeehaw!”
“One dollar… two dollars… three dollars… four dollars… five dollars… hahahahaha…. six dollars…”
*forced to listen in the quiet restroom as someone enters the stall, and (assuming by the sounds) painstakingly arranging a seat cover, sits, violently unleashes, spends two minutes noiselessly standing in their stall after flushing, and then leaves without washing their hands*
“…seven dollars… eight… dammit, I know I can do better than this, I’m the Temple Run master.”

Walked in one day, and a completely naked man was standing there in front of the mirror, who turned to face me. “Hi” he said, “I was in the shower.” Pause.
I nodded. This restroom has a shower room attached, so, not that weird.
“I went for a jog.” he expanded. Pause.
I nodded again, trying to figure out how I was going to get past him to pee.
“It’s hot outside.” Hands on his hips, he nodded to himself and cracked his neck during yet another long pause. “Oh!” He said, clapping and pointing at me. He then pointed at the urinal behind him. “You’re trying to get over there!”
Slight pause, this time from me. Another nod.
“My bad, dude. Uh, sorry I’m naked.”
Only then did he finally walk back into the locker room.
To the man in the Easter Bunny costume, checking himself out: “Oh, quit fussing with your hair, you look fabulous!”
Try this. Walk into the bathroom when there’s a friend following you. If it really stinks in there from someone’s fallout, give two brief enthusiastic sniffs of the air and say, ‘Ooo, popcorn!’ and watch your friends’ face out of the corner of your eye. Enjoy results.